When I Lose Myself
by Suff3r1ng
Summary: The inner turmoil and Cara's second thoughts about the choice she made threaten to overthrow the Mord'Sith's control over her own emotions. Will she lose control, or is she going to learn to live with herself?


**Author's Note : **So, this is a new one. Multi-chap, twisty plot and whatnot! I do believe that this idea has not been written down, and if it is unoriginal, you will just have to stone me for my stupidity. Enjoy!

On a sidenote, _Beta reader wanted_ !

**Summary : **The inner turmoil and Cara's second thoughts about the choice she made threaten to overthrow the Mord'Sith's control over her own emotions. Will she lose control, or is she going to learn to live with herself?

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**Prologue : Thoughts of a Mord'Sith**

The campfire lit the figures around more clearly than any other source of light could in the dark of the night. Cara's eyes were fixed on the fire. She took first watch, as always. It was a feat of strength displayed to her companions. It was also the only time she could think clearly, without any disturbance.

The adventure, and the bare nature around them portrayed the secrets of her companions to be as naked as a newborn to the Mord'Sith. Cara knew everything about the people she travelled with. There were only three of them, after all. And she alone knew the others before they have actually met. But they didn't know what haunted her in her dreams. None of them did.

A Wizard of the First Order, a grandmaster in magic, all that defied nature. Zeddicus Zu'l Zorander was the grandfather of the Seeker, as well as one of the magical trio who defiled the Lord Rahl, and everything he was. It was quite obvious that the wizard had his past affairs due to his age, but it did not affect the mission at hand, nor the importance of his role. He also had an undening appetite that Cara couldn't possibly understand.

Richard Cy- _Rahl_, Cara corrected her thoughts. The Seeker, and by definition, the savior and hero of both D'Hara and the Midlands. He also _happened to be _the grandson of the above mentioned wizard. Quite a career for a woodsguide, not to mention she won the heart of her Confessor. He had an obsession of helping anyone they came across. _Likes to be in the spotlight, _the Mord'sith figured.

And last, but not least, the Mother Confessor, rightful ruler of the Midlands, Kahlan Amnell. Hopelessly in love with the Seeker, but torn apart by her wish to be with the Seeker, and the fact that her love would destroy the very person she loves. Also happens to be a great fighter, and a good looking woman. _Would've made a good Mord'Sith,_ Cara thought. _Such a waste._

All of this was common knowledge for Cara, and probably for all of the Midlands, and D'Hara, the Underworld, and who knows what else there is in this world. Everyone knew of the kind hearted trio, who would help every single cat stuck on a tree, and use their outstanding abilities for everyday miracles. Cara found this absolutely confusing. The Mord'Sith was under the impression that finding the Stone of Tears was of outmost importance, and they had little time left. Why take detours all the time? Why not just head straight towards wherever that compass was pointing? It was pointless.

But that wasn't what confused Cara the most about their little group. By now, everyone knew of Cara as well. The cold hearted, agiel wielding monster, the blonde hurricane of violence, the one in red. She was worried about herself. For the first time in one and a half decade, the blonde Mord'Sith was not entirely sure about who or what she was. The world around her was changing, and she appeared to be changing with it. From the morbid, coldblooded and violent woman that she was, Cara started to become softer. She no longer felt like kicking every cat she saw. She didn't want to push her agiel in the stomach of any villager who looked at her the wrong way. Okay, she did want to do that, but she refrained from doing so, showing a restrain that was never present in her prime days as a Mord'Sith.

Cara started to accept the trio's terrible addiction to helping people. She wouldn't complain as much. She would still roll her eyes, but that was just part of who she was as a person.

And that was the other thing. She thought of herself as a person, and not as a Mord'Sith. Cara always took pride in her breaking, in being part of a clan of sadistic women in red leather, hunting and running errands for some kind of a god figure who sat in a castle plotting world dominance and ruling over the little people. It was a satisfying way of life. But now, the blonde thought of herself for the very first time in her life. And she found that she did not know herself at all. Who was this new person? How could she kill her? How could she go back to the way things were and the way she was before Darken Rahl's demise?

Cara's thoughts were interrupted by her sudden realization of where she was. In the middle of the forest, with the heroes of the Midlands. She was staring into the fire, and Zedd's loud snoring filled the cold night air with what Cara could only identify as companionship.

It was only at this time of the day that she could think clearly. She always took first watch, dedicating the time spent sitting to thinking about their task, and what changes she was going through. It made Cara sick to see that she was slowly turning out to be the exact opposite of everything she was trained to be.

The Mord'Sith looked around her, examining all of the sleeping figures around her, thoughts circling in her head without a halt. She _could _return to the way things were before... minus a Lord Rahl. These people were making her soft. They made her weak. She felt sick just thinking about it. The Seeker, the Wizard, and the Mother Confessor were **NOT **fit for the task of closing the rift to the Underworld. Cara could do it herself, she didn't need them. And the price to pay for this adventure, her own way of life, _herself... _it wasn't worth it.

Without a second thought, Cara gripped both of her agiels and closed her eyes while gritting her teeth from the sudden jolt of pleasurable pain that kept her in control of any emotions she let wandering in her head. Control, she always had control.

Besides, she _was_ serving the Lord Rahl this way too, even if it was unusual, and very uncomfortable for the Mord'Sith. It was just another errand, even if it was a fool's, Cara assured herself. She couldn't possibly defy the Lord Rahl. It would be a terrible betrayal of her ideals and beliefs, of the duty she was trained to fulfill. The blonde could deal with her own problems after the task was done, and she was left to her own devices in the Mord'Sith temple, waiting to be called again. Or in the Underworld. Either choice was more pleasant than her current thoughts.

Cara saw movement from the corner of her eyes. Her iron grip on the agiels never loosened as she quickly turned her gaze towards the source of disturbance. Cara sighed.

Richard Cy-... _her_ _Lord Rahl_ sat up with a goofy grin and a very tired look. He was facing the fire as well, just to the right side of the Mord'Sith. Suddenly, he got up and started walking towards the dark parts of the forest, where just the night before, they found a little pond in the middle of a beautiful clearing, not too far from camp.

_The night before? _Cara's gaze darted to the sky above. She was met with the pleasant sight of the dawning sky, with a hint of orange just over the horizon, where the sun was apparently rising. Cara blinked a few times before she dared look at the location where the Seeker was just a few seconds before. The blonde didn't notice that so much time had passed.

The Mord'Sith stood up from the fallen tree she spent half the night on, and proceeded to wake up the rest of the group before Richard came back, her thoughts locked in the back of her mind and her emotions once again in firm check.


End file.
